New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
