hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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