I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
