3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
