I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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