my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
