I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
