the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
