Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
