my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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