he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
