Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
