he puts the penis in happiness.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
