you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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