so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
