You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
