So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
