he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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