I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
