Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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