just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
there is glitter all over my balls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
