Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
