Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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