if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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