This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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