I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize