Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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