all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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