The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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