So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.