I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
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Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.