Texts From Last Night

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  (801): View more from Utah

  My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv

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  (801): My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv http://tfl.nu/1bcq
  Replies (39) Good night (1526) Bad night (4538)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin

  (253): View more from Washington

  was*

  (509): View more from Washington

  True, R.I.P.

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  (509): Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin (253): was* (509): True, R.I.P. http://tfl.nu/u2pm
  Replies (19) Good night (1250) Bad night (2473)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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  (214): His apartment number was 69. I had to. http://tfl.nu/cn9s
  Replies (22) Good night (8259) Bad night (1157)
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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  (636): Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night http://tfl.nu/yir7
  Replies (23) Good night (3386) Bad night (1670)
• Favorite

  (551): View more from New Jersey

  Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me

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  (551): Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me http://tfl.nu/723s
  Replies (9) Good night (986) Bad night (1796)
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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  (810): You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored. http://tfl.nu/wqg4
  Replies (12) Good night (3019) Bad night (813)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.

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  (661): I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore. http://tfl.nu/4rua
  Replies (7) Good night (914) Bad night (1119)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.

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  (847): The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one. http://tfl.nu/8fpw
  Replies (2) Good night (857) Bad night (466)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.

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  (202): She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top. http://tfl.nu/luup
  Replies (10) Good night (1258) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.

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  (719): Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless. http://tfl.nu/h5no
  Replies (2) Good night (740) Bad night (447)
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

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  (850): I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons. http://tfl.nu/n48b
  Replies (6) Good night (1304) Bad night (375)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go

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  (954): When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go http://tfl.nu/7tcn
  Replies (2) Good night (368) Bad night (514)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.

  (1-510): View more from California

  Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume

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  (510): I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion. (1-510): Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume http://tfl.nu/f5c6
  Replies (1) Good night (878) Bad night (351)
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.

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  (520): So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have. http://tfl.nu/rbrl
  Replies (3) Good night (416) Bad night (491)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime

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  (541): i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime http://tfl.nu/7n4k
  Replies (1) Good night (318) Bad night (457)

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