Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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