DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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