explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
