You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
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We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
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Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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