The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
