you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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