I'm going to jail i love you
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
