Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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