i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
