Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
