sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
