So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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