if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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