I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
