Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
