i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
