but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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