Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
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We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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