It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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