last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
