I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
