Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
