I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
As shirtless as possible
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
