Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
