I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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