Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
