Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
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NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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