he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
